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There are two ways to enjoy fish 1) Watching them in a tank (the water filled glass type not the blancmange type) and 2) battered and deep fried. There are other ways to experience fish but they are more like actually living hells than enjoyable e.g. swimming with them. The problem with swimming with fish is that they insist in swimming into you which means you have to touch and feel fish, which is disgusting. I mean who wants to do that? It’s up there on a par with touching snakes and insects. Ugghhh! I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t touch anything with more or fewer legs than you, and even then be selective.
Anyway, watching fish in tanks is relaxing. They pootle about with all their bright colours and gormless looking faces , making your visit to the doctor’s just about bearable amongst the screaming children, smug mothers and old people there to complain and be prescribed antibiotics for their viral infections in their continued campaign to create a drug resistant super bug that can rid the world of young people and their confusing music and technology for ever. You have to be careful about what fish you put in your tank though. A shark wouldn’t be a very good thing to keep in a doctor’s office tank. All of its thrashing deadliness wouldn’t keep people calm, plus Richard Dreyfuss would keep turning up to try and kill it in successively bigger boats and who’d want that? They’d probably have taken a window out of my doctor’s surgery just to get his first small boat in. People often forget that sharks are just big fish, and the whale shark is particularly confusing. It’s a fish that people don’t think of as a fish named after an animal that people think is a fish that isn’t a fish but acts like one and is named after a place where they speak a language which involves entirely too much spitting.

As mentioned, the other way to enjoy fish is to eat them. People will try to tell you there’s lots of different ways to cook and eat fish, but the problem with almost all of them is that they result in you being able to taste the fish which isn’t good because fish taste fishy. When was the last time you enjoyed eating something that tasted fishy? On second thoughts don’t answer that question. The only way to enjoy eating fish is battered and deep fried the way God intended in all of his biblical culinary wisdom. I will also accept fingered and covered in bread crumbs but then we’re getting into the realms of fingering fish which is where we came in.

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