In the roughly one and a half thousand years since it fell there has never been a proper review of the Roman Empire. Yes, plenty of historians have written about it, there been all sorts of films and programs about it but nobody has sat down and written an article to help Joe Public decide whether he wants one or not. That’s probably because it isn’t something anyone has ever thought of getting, or at least not seriously (except for the various historical attempts of people from various different countries specifically going out and trying to rebuild the Roman Empire, we’re just going to ignore them), so this obviously falls into RevUseless’ remit. Nobody needs a review of it so we need to write one. Why we haven’t done one already is actually starting to be an obvious and even dangerous omission.

So what what would be the pros of getting yourself your very own Roman Empire?

Well the Romans invented everything. Except for all the things they stole from the Greeks, the Persians, Carthage (whatever that is), the Middle East, Spain, Gaul, China and Britain. Yes they invented literally everything. Imagine having an entire Roman Empire in your loft just sitting there inventing things, or at least stealing things and passing them off as their own just for you? Imagine having all the latest in late Bronze, early Iron Age technology at your fingertips? I would say you could conquer the world, but you wouldn’t need to because your Roman Empire would have done it already.

Which brings me on to the next thing. The Roman Empire conquered the known world. Or at least the known world except the bits they knew about and didn’t conquer, like Scotland, Ireland, most of Africa, Persia, China and the rest if Asia. But yeah, they conquered all of the known world. Literally. Just think what you could do with an empire of the entire world (except most of the world) in your shed? “I’m just going out to the shed to play with my Roman Empire dear” would be much better to say to your wife than whatever it is you have to say at the moment to go out and look at some porn. Or whatever it is real men do out in their sheds.

They built straight roads. How are you surviving without straight roads in the cupboard under your stairs? You need this now! Think of the time you could save looking for your coat if all the roads in there were being built and maintained by your Roman Empire. You could save literally seconds which could be better spent looking at porn in your shed. Or whatever you do out there.

They brought peace and prosperity to Europe. Except from when they were having yet another one of their almost never ending series of civil wars or invading Persia for no apparent reason. A prosperous Europe is just what you need in your basement, despite what UKIP say. With all that trade, coin mintage and peaceful co-existence going on down there you’ll have literally 5 metric furlongs of extra time to spend out in your shed, no matter how cold it is.

There must be some cons to this I here you ask. Well of course there is:

Your Roman Empire will inevitably fall, which is why we at RevUseless recommend not keeping one in your attic. The last thing you need is all of the Rhine legions coming through your living room ceiling while you’re trying to watch repeats of The Big Bang Theory for the ninth time. They make a real mess of of your rug, especially once they start having more cavalry.

It will keep splitting itself in two (or even four for a little while) and the last thing you need is the eastern end of your shed acting like a separate empire. Especially if that’s where you hide your porn. Imagine having to negotiate with an upstart eastern emperor just so you can get to your copy of Razzle. You could of course just use the computer or portable device you’re reading this on. The Romans have already invented the internet and a thing called “private browsing”. Literally all of the known internet is porn (except all the bits that aren’t). I mean come on. Are you living in the 1st century or something?

In balance though we at RevUseless think a Roman Empire would definitely worth looking into as long as you’ve got the space and a desire to be murdered by a member of your own government or family.


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