The jungle, or as we’re supposed to call it these days “the rainforest”, but the jungle sounds better doesn’t it. The jungle is full of wild animals like snakes, tigers, panthers (pink and otherwise), deadly poisonous tree frogs, griffins (half griffon, half the same griffon) and elephants. It has wild men talking to the animals and wild women doing…other things…usually in lagoons for some reason.

Apparently if you chop enough of the jungle trees down eventually you’ll find new drugs. This sounds great to us. We’ve already booked our summer holidays to the Amazon because we can’t think of anything better than 3 weeks in the moist, sweaty heat, experimenting with new anti-inflammatory drugs and lounging in lagoons with amazons.

Of course the worst thing about the jungle is all the monkeys. Luckily not many of them have tiny hammers to kill you with but I’m sure they can find things to use as weapons instead, like a poisonous frog in both hands. Or a frog in one and a tiny sloth in the other. A tiny, tiny sloth obviously but a deadly one. There’s that famous phrase isn’t there, the smaller the sloth the harder the death? I think Julius Caesar said it, or maybe Voltaire, I always get those two mixed up. Which one conquered Gaul again? You know, with the legions of deadly small sloths? Hang on, wasn’t it Hannibal who came over the Alps with an army of sloths? It’s a good job the FBI caught him – just think of all the Gaulish livers he would have eaten with fava beans. Asterix would have been pissed… Anyway, watch out for the sloth armed monkeys is what I’m saying.

While you’re avoiding the monkeys you have to watch out for the rivers as well. They apparently, despite the complete lack of any documentary evidence for it, have fish in that eat people. Fish that eat people! How do they even make that much batter? Think about how many chips they must need to get the person/chip ratio right. Then there’s the leeches. These are little things that attach themselves to you and suck you dry and not in the good way. In the bad way.

Being made mostly of trees (there was briefly a jungle made mostly of blancmange but it got used up during the war to make tanks out of) there are a lot of leaves. This is why no British trains run through the jungle, because of the number of leaves on the line. If you need to get the 12.34 to Smolensk you’ll find it takes an hour longer than you expect because it has to skirt around the endogenous of the Great Hampshire Rainforrest. If you look out of the windows as you go past you might just get to see the armies of sloth armed monkeys massing to launch their invasion of the Home Counties.


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