The Large Hardron Collider is the world’s largest big ring of magnets, beating the little hadron collider and the mummy bear hadron collider.

It has been in the news a lot this year and yet people don’t know much about it, and so, in order to educate, as is our want, we’re going to review it for you. As always, you’re welcome.

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is a large circle of magnets. Now large doesn’t really do it justice. A 250ml glass of wine is described as large in pub descriptions. You can go large at fast food ‘restaurants’ for mere pence. Little’s partner was Large (well done kids of the 80’s for getting that.) This whole review is an exercise in largesse. But frankly, they’re not comparatively large. Not really.

Let’s try to put it in context. If your glass of wine was in excess of twenty miles in circumference, that would be large. Ridiculous. Physically impossible, due to the glass restrictions, plus, assuming an average depth of two inches, means that, if my maths are right, you need more than seven bottles to fill (yes, I failed to try to do the maths – note, not math, there was more than one of it) which is more than 250ml.

So very large, at least.

But it’s not just large. It also collides hadrons. Not many things do this any more, due to the scarcity of hadrons since the great hadron plague where millions of innocent hadrons died from a very bad tickly cough. Now, before we go any further – it’s hadrons, not hard ons we don’t want you think Prof Brian Cox is just fencing another scientist with their, erm, cox.

A hadron is the noise a badger makes if you surprise him with butter. The LHC collides these noises after accelerating them with magnets in an attempt to hear a Higgs Bosom, if my mammary serves me correct. Now I’m sure you’re trying to imagine this contraption and if you’re anything like me you’re wondering why they need a ring to do this. Surely they could get away with a semi-circle? Well you’d be wrong, they need back to back badgers so they can get the full stereo effect. Scientists can then tell how the universe began based on these noises, confirming my suspicion that badgers have always known, but have refused to tell us. Sneaky monochromatic sods!

Anyway, it’s in Switzerland, so we assume it’s made of Nazi gold, but Coxy has yet to confirm this.

So, the LHC. Proof that badgers know more than they let on.


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