Cheese

Great Britain is great in many ways, Brunel, the inventor of the mechanical Internet, The Rolling Stones, sarcasm (actually sarcasm is rubbish), and the actual internet, just to name a few, but there are some things we’re not great at. Cheese might not seem like an obvious thing we’re not great at, given how many great cheeses we make, but just because we make great cheeses doesn’t mean we’re great at cheese. The majority of Brits can only name three cheeses. Cheddar, Red Leicester and Laughing Cow. All other cheeses are considered ‘fancy.’ The best part about me writing that sentence, other than the fact that its true for most people, is that I have just induced rage in every middle class reader. Yes, we know you have Feta and Mozzarella and Dairylea Dunkers – for the little ones, obviously, but sadly, for the most part, those three sad, vacuum packed blocks of blandness, colouring optional, are all the commoners of our land are aware of.

Having slated the Brits, a brief nod to our cousins across the pond (note, the pond is in fact the second largest body of water in the world, and doesn’t have frogs in it like our pond does – in your face Atlantic) who take cheese to a whole new level, like Dante would have had he known about spray cheese. You guys have taken the lumpy bovine juice and taken it to entirely new circles of horror. Yankee doodles, I take my hat off to you, or would, but I’m not wearing a hat.

Cheese comes in a variety of styles, colours and strengths. Even texture and firmness. It’s all available in the cheese world. Most of them aren’t good on a cocktail stick with a bit of pineapple, but the ones that are have kept buffets in calcium for decades. But if you want something to spread on a biscuit, cheese is your man. Want something to toast on your, erm, toast, cheese is your man (Kevin rating to follow). If you want a bullet to shoot at Michael Bay’s stupid face, may we suggest a .44 hollow point Magnum Round, preferably fired out of the end of a Magnum pistol, or just tied onto a big stick thats thrown at him will do for us, in all honesty, we’re not horrible people. Cheese is, if nothing else, a truly varied dairy stuff. Some people are allergic to it, but, for the purposes of praising it, I’m going to ignore those freaks entirely. Cheese – we like it.

However, no review of cheese is complete without discussing the negatives to cheese. This leads us to think that this review might finally provide the solution to that glaring void left by all the previous cheese reviewers, the amateurs!

Cheese, or cheesy, has been appropriated, mis or otherwise, by some nefarious people, probably the lactose intolerant council of Great Britain (LICOGB) for things that are accepted to be bad. Dad jokes, for example, are denounced as ‘cheesy’. People who don’t wash parts of themselves develop ‘cheese’ (I’m talking about feet before you start ruining this review with your dirty minds) and are shunned by society, and rightly so. If you are forced to have a photo taken and aren’t smiling at the time, a clear indicator that you’re not enjoying having your photo taken, you are demonstrably encouraged to say cheese, but not discuss types. There’s no clear reason for cheese to be treated so disparagingly, and we can only assume that the LICOGBites are skilled in their use of propagandist techniques, but beware, that’s how Nazi Germany came about, now isn’t it.

Let me close by presenting you with the idea of a cheese free world. Beef burgers would only be able to be beef burgers. Welsh rarebit would just be toast, making it much more common, forcing a name change at the very least. Garfield would commit suicide in one of the less hilarious comic strips. We like Garfield, so we’d like cheese to stay. Cheese.